You know when it is time to say "no". For me it was I was burning with a need to reclaim my time, my space, my...self.
I tend to do a lot for other people. People I love and people I don't even care for very much. I just have a bleeding heart and a "well, it needs to get done so I guess I'll do it" mentality. This year I decided it was time for Carrie to start saying "no".
Nothing comes for free. Everything costs. Saying a two letter word has indeed been costly. And the things and people I have said it to were tough to face afterward. But, for the first time in my life I know that if I don't so no, I will continue to beat myself up for not giving Carrie enough of herself.
I'm in a very busy period of time. And often I am stuck in my own head. I am trying very hard to not make my issues or busy schedule a problem for other people. It's not that I don't want to be there for other people, it is simply that I have to take care of myself right now. Otherwise I will end up burning the candle at both ends and lashing out at someone I love.
That being said, I have found myself more ready to say "Look, that was rude and...no! Don't do that to me! It is a different way of saying no, but an important step in the process in reclaiming myself and reserve some head space for the body's owner. No. Not cool. Stop stringing me a long and only calling on me when your world has collapsed and you need someone to talk you down. No.
I don't want to hurt anyone and I am terrified of doing just that. However, this isn't about anyone but me. I need to be true to myself and outline boundaries. I'm constantly moving and doing and right now I just need some time to myself and also time to stand up for myself. This week I have finally become comfortable with the choices I have made and decided to not apologize for standing my ground.
I cannot help you feel better about the bad choices you have made for yourself.
I cannot go out and piss the night away.
I cannot do the assignment you were tasked with.
I cannot just be here to answer the phone when you need me when I am not afforded the same luxury.
I cannot cry with you over this mistake.
I cannot tell you what I'm thinking about because those thoughts are reserved for my contemplation.
I cannot make you feel better for the shitty thing you did to me and pretend it is all ok.
I cannot be....everywhere.
It all seems negative when you see it in black and white, but I assure you, in the long run this will save everyone a lot of heartache. Sometimes you just can't.