It's Wednesday night in Tulsa, Oklahoma. I've been to work, been to the pool, and now I'm having a drink made from stolen Vodka and orange juice. Stolen in the sense that I accepted it from my neighbor, Tony, and I have no intentions of sleeping him. And so it goes.
I'm a 33 year old well educated woman living in the Midwest. I live in a one bedroom "all bills paid" apartment with my cats. Around the corner is my previously mentioned neighbor and to my left is a dear friend. My other neighbors include an alcoholic veteran, an old queen from Santa Fe, and a beautiful young Native American girl. Living in this building doesn't come with much privacy. It's like living in a sitcom.
I don't date. I don't have sex. I don't attend 30 something social functions. Instead I spend the majority of my time with friends and two wildly funny women I call my "wives". Oh! And did I mention that I was recently separated from my husband of 9 years? Yes, ladies and gentlemen! This is the American Dream! Jealous?
Tonight I've decided to pull out the old records. I guess I'm feeling sentimental and nostalgic. Right now, at this very moment, I'm listening to Olivia Newton John's "I Honestly Love You". So, I guess what I'm saying is: I hate myself. No I don't. C'mon! I love sappy music and the sound of vinyl. And I suppose I love feeling like shit about the current state of my life. I wish I could say that this doesn't suck. I wish I could say that I love being miserably fabulous. I wish I could say that no matter what is happening in your life, there is always a silver lining. But you know what? The truth is some things just suck! Even when you know you are making the right decisions for yourself.....it sucks! Changing your life midway through its course feels a little like ending the kiss before midnight. What's the damn point? But once you accept that some things are just awful, you can breath and enjoy your miserable existence and possibly become enlightened.
I tried to be someone or something for far too long. I tried to be tough and cool and not let my emotions show expose their ugly truths. Eww. Emotions. They are scary and uncomfortable. However, tonight I find myself tipsy sitting and blogging on my sofa on a random summer night trying to find words to describe my enchanted misery. All I can do is acknowledge life as being one part sad and another part overwhelmed with ridiculous happiness. So many times I find myself sickened with despair meanwhile elated with childlike joy. I have some truly amazing people in my life and even through the bullshit that's taken place, I've been privileged to experience some amazing things! I recently returned from a glorious trip to Italy. We'll touch on that later, but the point is there is a lot of joy in life even while wading through the bullshit. And I suppose that is the point? I sure as hell hope so.
Tonight my friend said something profound. He said "This is the tragedy of being happy". How right you are, pretty. This is the life of tragic happiness. Wait. What? What?...