Monday, January 21, 2013

Pour a Little Gibb On It

We all deal with disappointment.  It is a part of life.  We're disappointed in situations, in people, in ourselves, and sometimes all at once.  And how we deal with various from person to person.  Some of us drink, some of us eat our feelings.  Some of us shop, while others choose to be in large social groups, forgetting we were ever disappointed.

Recently I felt very disappointed and decided to hide.  I didn't want to open my heart up to everyone and talk about it, because everyone reacts differently and frankly, I wasn't interested in their opinions.  The matter I was working through was only shared with one person.  Someone I feel very close to through honesty and respect, a person who would knows exactly how I feel with one word: "No".   What an ugly times.  But it became difficult because I found myself not communicating at all.  I didn't talk to my sister on the phone much, and that's very unusual. I just hid. And I feel like I did the right thing. Because my tendency to want to feel better sometimes leads to me over sharing and even feeling stupid.  But I had a heavy heart and I needed to hide.  So I did.

While I was hiding, I did the thing I do best.  I listened to all kinds of music.  I felt 14 years old sitting in my room listening.  Trying to find something, but I have no idea what that was.  I discovered loads of news music and artists and finally felt myself becoming ready to be social again.  Not too social.  I stayed home for most of the weekend and listened to the Bee Gees.

When I woke up this morning, I felt more like myself. I felt like taking on the day and making the best out of a beautiful sky.  While I was going through my "to do" list, I became more and more excited about the issue I was disappointed in - meaning, I felt "this is only the beginning".  And, as if I were dumped in a tub full of warm water, I let go.  I looked in the mirror and I saw a woman that has been all over the emotional map in the last few years, but here she is dreaming again.


That was the point.  That was why I needed to hide.  Nobody is going to tell Carrie what she needs to hear until she hears it through her own voice.  That's so hard to remember, isn't it?   But when it finally resonates, you can wipe the dirt off and get back on the horse.

Fearlessness isn't something I can charge into any situation with, knowing I may fall flat on my face.  However, I'm learning to be more fearless.  I want to take huge risks this year.  I want to do things that scare me and I want to truly understand the limits of my own creative will.  What do I really want, what amount of disappointment can I take before I give up?  And what am I truly willing to put out there in the universe?

I can't answer all of those questions right now.  I don't need to right now.  But, as far as my recent disappointment?  Well, it's time to let it go.  Poof!  Be gone!

So, I turned on my ipod, and, well, I let the smooth harmonies of the Bee Gees take me away......and it was better than yoga.

Thanks, mates! 

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Pillows Save Lives

I recently went home from the holidays.  Back to Houston - back to the grounds of my youth.  One night my family and I met up with my oldest friend, Elaine, and her husband Alex.  They are pregnant with their first child and are both over the moon about it.  She looks amazing and I don't know if I've ever seen her look so beautiful.

Elaine and I had a long history and a friendship that has been through a lot, and survived a lot.  I met her when I was a wee tot in a class called Mission Friends.  We shared a laugh over a fart joke and not much as changed.  Any time we see one another, it's always reduced to potty humor and childlike antics.  We still manage to find the time to act as if we were 10 years old, laughing like maniacs and punching one another like boys do on a playground.  Well, not now as she is clearly prego and that would just be cruel on my part.  It doesn't, however, keep her from punching me!  Nope, some things never change. 

After we had dinner, Elaine, Alex and I all went to my sister's house and started dishing about stories from the past.  While we're only in our 30's, telling stories about our youth never gets old, especially when we have a captive audience.  Somehow a particularly ridiculous story came up, and we relived it with Dawn and Alex, laughing so hard i nearly sent her into early labor.

Elaine and I were brats, but we were very innocent.  We kept each other out of a lot of trouble because all we wanted to do was laugh and have fun.  When she got her driver's licenses, she became the one with the wheels.  At some point her parents bought her a blue Chevy Beretta.  Mistake #1.  Elaine drove that car like a bat out of hell.  At times you'd see a blue streak zip by blaring Snoop Dogg and, well, Elaine was here.  We raced all over town in that car.  We were two super heroes out to spread laughter. 

Remember the Chevy Beretta?

"...ain't nuthin' but a G thang, baybay..."
Ya - that's it. But when we were together, it seemed like this....

In fact, out friend Kalan said any time we saw us drive up, he instinctively heard the Batman theme song in his head. 

Well, one night we were out way past our curfew and the speed demon, Elaine, decided to make up time by taking an old highway she often used as her personal race track.  We were careening down the road when we approached a truck, not going fast enough for her standards.  Elaine proceeded to pass the truck and give him the ol' Texas howdy when we were finally in front of him.  You know - arm stretched out and the middle finger pointed sharply in the air.  It was almost midnight and she was desperate to make it to the driveway before the clock landed at 12:00 am.  Speeding down the highway, we were making good time, that is until headlights were gaining on us like a ghost out of the fog.  

"Shit!  It's that dude in the truck!"

The truck caught up with us and started tailing us like a cop vs. robber chase.  We started to freak out and...assume.

"He probably has a gun!  He's going to shoot us!"

Nearing 100 mph, we couldn't go much faster.  With fear and speed, things would surely end tragically.  I looked around the car for...something.  Anything to help us.

"I have pillows in the back seat!"

Right!  Pillows!  Pillows?  Yes pillows!  So, with all reason and logic, we tied the pillows to our heads and ducked down to avoid bullets busting into the back of our skulls.  Why pillows?  To held absorb the bullets, of course!  

So, seconds until midnight, heading down the road over 100 mph, pillows tied to our heads, screaming like we were running form Jason (of Friday the 13th), the truck's lights seemed like beacons of death.  Coming for us to take our young innocent lives.  

"Oh crap!  Here he comes!"

The truck is now next to us, and the guy looks over at us.  Imagine this from his perspective.  Two teenage girls, screaming and crying with tears streaming down their faces...and pillows tied to their heads. 

He didn't even flip us off.

We finally made it home with hearts pounding and...yes pillows still tied to our heads. I guess we figured he may be lurking around  a dark corner to start the chase all over again.  

While Elaine and I told this story, both taking the spotlight to fill in the details, Dawn and Alex were holding themselves laughing.  We all had watery eyes and that laughing cough.  Days later when I had returned to Tulsa, my sister emailed me and said "I love that story.  It shows ignorance but it also shows how innocent you were."

It's tales like this that make me realize even the dumbest situations will eventually get a laugh.  At a moment in our lives when we thought "This is the end!  I love you to the moon and back", it only became one of my dearest and fondest memories.

Elaine will be a mother soon and I am going to be a Godmother (yesssssss).  I can't wait to entertain Haven with stories about Mommy and Carrie as stupid, innocent, sass mouthed kids.  Better yet,  I can't wait to embarrass her with these stories when she and her best friend start to drive.

I still love you to the moon and back. I'm sure if you could have found a way to drive there, we would have gone. 



Tuesday, January 8, 2013

I'm Just Being Nice, Dammit!!! EDIT

So, have you ever been in a situation where you're trying to be nice and it backfires in your face?  Big time?  It's so frustrating because you feel like you need to over explain yourself which only sinks you further down the hole, leaving you feeling like a grade A idiot.  This happened to me recently and it was, in my opinion, one of the scenarios I dread the most.

My friend Tuller and I went out for sushi on Friday.  We were seated at the bar by two men, probably in their mid to late 30's.  I'm a pretty friendly person and I'll talk to just about anyone so instinctively I said hello to both of them.  However, my friendliness was met with ...the look.  You know, that look that says "No thanks, honey".  Umm.  I was just being nice, jerk.  The two guys were involved in some deep conversation and I just brushed it off.  Whatever, right?  Tuller and I ordered and were having fun talking about shallow things like foreign trade agreements and human trafficking.  At some point I laid my phone on the bar and when I went to reach for it, something felt odd.  I realized I was reaching for one of the guys' phones and I said "Oops, I almost grabbed yours" to which he replied "You wouldn't have unlocked it.  It's not a tick-tack-toe", followed by the look again.

What's your problem, asshole?

I tried being nice and laughing it off, but I fear it made me look flirty and I didn't want to come off as the least bit interested.  I'm nice.  I'm really nice and we're kind of seated in close proximity so occasion, crossover happens.  I mean, I'm only being a decent person and smiling and when my elbow bumps into yous, I say "excuse me" or "sorry about that" and I make eye contact.  But it doesn't mean I want anything else from you, ok?

Tuller and I went on about our conversation and I noticed the guy kept giving me these...looks.  Again with the "I'm not interested in you, honey" looks.  You know? I started to get very irritated and I so badly wanted to stand up and shout at him.  But that would have made me look like a lunatic.  Throughout the entire dinner he and his friend were talking and looking over at us and I wanted to ask "what's the problem?" but I just continued on with my conversation with Tuller.  Finally the two men left and I couldn't have been more relieved.  He was just really irritating me.  Tuller knew exactly why this got under my skin, but let me shed some light on the situation.  This guy, whom I've never met before and was only extending common courtesy to, was in violation of 3 serious man rules!  And he had the nerve to think I was interested?  Ugh!

1. He was clearly nearing 40, yet he wore sagging butt jeans as if he were a 17 year rapper wannabe
2. It's January and that tan makes you look like a Cheeto.
3. And most importantly - waxed eyebrows!  And I'm not talking about some plucking.  These brows were a choice in a line of 50, named after famous Hollywood actresses and he chose the "Eva Longoria"

Once again my attempt to just be nice was mistaken for flirting and this guy, who looked like a middle aged mob wife, felt it was necessary to let me know he wasn't interested.  Gross.  Later Tuller and I met up with another friend at a tavern.  As we were about to leave Tuller grabbed me, pointed, and said "Carrie, look!  It's that Jersey Shore Lady Man!"  I tried sending him powerful glares that would shoot straight through his backwards cap and into his skull.  Take THAT Eva!  But, alas, the idiot was never phased by my long distance lazer stare.

Tuller and I laughed about it and I guess I'm over it.  But really, I just couldn't stand that fact that he felt like he "won". That somehow he felt better for being an asshole to me.  C'mon, man! You are so gross and I was just being nice.

Oh well.  The only thing I did win with this one was not getting arrested for assault.


Last night while I was in the middle of my crossfit class at the gym, I look up as my legs are spread wide open, and guess who!  YES!  Creepy/Asshole/Eyebrow guy!  He goes to my gym!  Why does the universe play such cruel jokes on me?  When our eyes met, I'm sure I looked like a deer in the headlights.  I proceeded to catch my breath and then I just played it off as if I had never seen him before.  But, in full florescent light, sans ridiculous backwards cap, he looks even more like a middle aged woman.  He looks like if John Travolta as a woman trying not to look like a man.  Whatever - it's my gym, too.  And he still looks stupid.  And while he was looking around the room for hot chicks, I'm sure they all felt a little weird being eye raped by guy who looks like an Avon salesperson.  Nasty.

Good Lord.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Stress/Lack of Sleep/Stress/SHIT!!

In my effort to be more honest and to blog more, I'm, well, blogging two days in a row.

I'm frustrated as hell today.  December was a very busy month and I worked 21 days straight before I had a day off.  Before going into the busy schedule, I made a promise to myself to work out at least  5 days a week, and I did just that.  I focused mainly on cardio as a stress reducer and fat burner.  I'm trying to get the remainder of this weight off.  Well, I counted every calorie, good or bad, worked out, tried to get quality sleep, and focused on the positive.  At the end of the month I showed no weight loss!  How is this possible????  I turned down loads of holiday food and even made myself consume more water.


Well, I did some research and apparently stress can lead to weight gain and weight retention even when you're counting calories and  following a work out plan.  Well, that's just great.  Fine!  Even though I made an effort to not be maxed out, I know I was stressed.  With Nutcracker and the general holiday madness, I think I need to find a way to de-stress.  One that doesn't include alcohol or laziness.  So, this morning I organized myself.  First thing - I planned out my workouts for the next two weeks.  My gym has loads of classes and I'm going to shake up my days by doing something different every single time I step foot in that place.  I've made a calendar of workouts that I'm going to do which include cycling class and circuit training with a few days of my typical carido/strength training thrown in so that I stay on control of my "me time".

I've come so far since August and I want to get to my goal by mid spring.  I don't have unattainable numbers so it's not like I'm trying to do the impossible.  I just want to get there.  I'm lucky to have a support system and a great gym that offers a lot of options.  I wish I could afford a trainer but that gets expensive very quickly.  I know what I'm doing, I know it takes time, and I know I can do this.  I'm just frustrated today and I need to get it out of my heart so that  I can move on and move forward.  I'm very proud of the progress I've made and I don't intend on stopping any time soon.  I deserve the best me possible, and I'm going to let myself have it for once.

Woo.  Deep breath.  I just needed to get that out.

I got this.

I got this.

I got this.

UPDATE I have lost 1 pound since the holidays have finally ended.  Yay.  It's all about maintaining stress.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

2013 - It's Not Complicated

Well, hello new year!

Wow.  When I take a look at the last year, I find that I'm still shocked at all that has happened and here I'm am with a smile and bright outlook on the year to come.

2012 wasn't a bad year at all.  It had ups and downs - so what, who cares?!  But it was a great year.  A year of learning, growing, understanding, letting go, and welcoming the new.  So much happened in 365 days and when it's smashed together in a seemingly insignificant number, it is amazing how quickly it truly flies by before you're ringing in another year. 

I took a moment to look over the resolutions I made last year and I think I truly stuck to them and learned from them.  I'm happy to say that I feel I made a lot of personal progress in 2012.  Now, this year is about taking more risks.  I want to jump, dive, and sail into another chapter.  But, there is a lot I still have to do to get there.

My resolutions are simple this year.

1. Be nice.  

2. Say "I love you" as much as possible.

3. Keep pushing myself physically

4. Find it.  Get it.  Live it.

5. Create more. 


I'm a pretty happy person.  No, I'm not always in a good mood and I have some really awful days.  However, I am blessed with love and friendship and I feel confident to take big risks this year.  I want to met more people, see more places, discover new things, and live, live, live!!!!

I haven't much to say about it.  I'm charging into another year of my life feeling happy and fresh.  I'm healthy and I have love.  What more could I ask for?

Oh!  And I have a few songs that I declare as my essential 2013 Playlist
Classic and True!!
Hit or Miss

Happy New Year, Ya'll!