Tuesday, February 28, 2012

15 Questions

I'm having a hard time dealing with trust and instinct.  For some reason lately I've found myself more suspicious of people than my typical paranoid knee jerk reaction. I can't help but question their intentions and what they want from me.  Now this is coming mainly from acquaintances and friends of friends.  People on the fringe. I'm a giver.  It's kind of my thing.  If someone is in need I usually find a way to help and see what I can do to make tensions ease in whatever they may be dealing with be it a ride to a destination or, hell I don't know, work on a wall the needs painting.  I don't require repayment or some grandiose gesture of thankfulness.  However, I despise being used and taken advantage of and when someone only speaks to me when they need something, that's when the claws come out.  

I hate feeling like everyone is out to get me.  It's exhausting. But more times than not, I've found my suspicions justified because I'm the one that's standing there looking like an idiot because I did something nice for someone I thought respected me. Nope!  They just needed to use me.  Neato.

I'm typically very skilled at sensing a person who is a user.  You can see i in their eyes and the way they carry their body.  They also use language to "butter you up" and make you feel special.  Well, you can't bullshit and bullshitter.  And friend, I know bullshit.  I have two degrees in Theatre so you can say I am very skilled in bullshit. But still I feel like a jerk and allow someone to walk all over me because they bat the eyes, act as though they are the victim, and tell me nobody else could do what I do for them.  God damn it I fell for that shit again!  So, how am I going to remedy the situation?  I'm considering a questionnaire.  It will look a little something like this:

1. Name?
2. Birthday?
3. Reason for seeking me out today?
4. Are you prone to asking others to do something for you when you are 100% capable of doing it yourself?
5. What exactly are your intentions in asking for anything from me since I've never spoken to you before today other than to say hello?
6. Are you broke?
7. Are you dying from an incurable disease?
8. Did your mother tell you she loved you more than once a year?
9. What is your birth order?
10. Have you ever been in a serious realtionship?
11. If the answer to 10. was yes, what happened?
12. Do you know how to correctly spell my first name? (at least)
13. Do you have any questions for me other than your stated request?
14. I didn't think so.
15.Fuck you.

What's the deal? Well, the moon is in Gemini.  I guess we could blame that.  Two faced mother fuckers are crawling everywhere.  Be warned.

I gotta bounce....

Thursday, February 16, 2012

The Beautiful People

"Less git creasy" spoken in broken English/European Spanish accent.

Talent is something that can be cultivated, but only if you are born with a natural ability to recognize and produce it.  I don't believe everyone in the world is creatively gifted.  It's impossible.  If everyone sat around making art, well, I guess that wouldn't be so bad really.  But my point is there are some people who just can't be creative.  They can't color outside the lines and think outside the box.  They are trapped in their logical thinking and pursue a life better suited to mixing chemicals in a lab or....selling insurance.  And that's all fine and happy.  Whatever.  But not for me.  La vie boheme, man!  And I'm so very lucky to have talented people to share my life, my time with. I meet talented, life loving people from all over the world every single day. I'm so very fortunate.  And in the spirit of sharing, I thought I would introduce, direct, and encourage you to get to know some of my people.  They are, in a word, awesome. (And listed in no particular order)

Shelton or "J Shelly" one of my dearest friends and fellow lover of life.  She's an amazing photographer and her eye for beauty is perfect.  I enjoy going on shoots with her a playing assistant.  She comes up with ideas that are as lovely as they are scary.  She's not afraid to get down and dirty with what catches her eye. She also has a wicked sense of humor that can make you bend over laughing until you must walk away so that you don't choke from a lack of oxygen. I don't remember a time before Shelton - why bother? She's a tough as nails exterior with a heart as big as the moon. I love your face, shit head!

Mama Mia!  my very own giver of life, my mom Susie Clevenger  She writes every single day and is currently working on her first book.  It will go to print sometime this year and, of course you'll hear all about it from me. Yep!  I'm very proud of her. Proud of her willingness to commit and her ability to dream.  She puts it all out there for the world unashamed, unapologetic, and completely raw. Finally she is making her dreams become realities.  It's inspiring and humbling to see her exposing another side of herself, heart and soul, in her writing. Rock it, Mamala!

Saied  seriously. What can be said about Dustin Saied that can't be read in his eyes. He's charming, talented, beautiful and a hell-of-a good time. He's out in L.A. working, acting, living.  He's also a damn good artist exploring other sides of his creativity through paint.  This guy is freakin' great and I should also mention he's also a damn good friend. Always quick with a come back to put me in my place and make me laugh. I love the shit out of you, Saied!

Cynthia Dawn, my hero and big sister. This girl is made form 1 part sugar and 3 parts fire.  I don't know that I've never met another soul more willing to fight for life, love without reward, and live for truth and honor.  She's been through hell and fought her way back.  And through years of illness and life's helping of bullshit, she maintains and sense of humor that can only be described as brilliantly timed.  I'm so very proud of my sister.  Without her my life would have lacked beauty and laughter - two qualities I live for every single day.  I wish everyone had a Cynthia Dawn.  She's truly my best friend, confidant, number one fan, and all time hero. Ever thine. Ever mine. Ever ours. Forever.

La Vita Bello indeed. Claudio is truly one of the most beautiful souls I have ever known. Ever. He has a childlike wonder of the world mixed with wisdom beyond his years.  There's no way this soul hasn't lived before now.  I'm so inspired by his optimism each and every day.  He is a gift and his pure heart is present on the stage every single time he dances. Sometimes I question how I've been so lucky to spend time with one so beautiful and so golden.  I do love you, amore. You are one of the brightest spots of my day! And, "byduhway" one of the most hilarious people I've ever met. Folks would never believe some of the things/people we've experienced together. Those memories are priceless.  Ti voglio bene tanto tano tanto!

The Original Taco Kickin' MacTuller Julie Marie Tuller. Born August 7, 1975 in Tulsa, OK. This woman makes my face hurt.  There is never a day spent with Tuller that doesn't end in roaring laughter.  And what's better - she doesn't even try.  Her humor is so natural, you'll find yourself on the floor in the fetal position while she's standing over you saying "What?  What happened?  What?"  She quilts, she writes, she sings, she runs, she turns shitty things people say into hand made craft projects, she cooks, she makes grown men cry,  she makes people laugh, and laugh, and laugh, and laugh.  She is a gift to the world and one of my best friends. I'm so lucky she's one of mine. And should you ever find yourself in an awkward situation, Tuller will arrive just in time to make things more awkward. I love you Julie Marie Tuller.  Thank god for you!!!!!

Lanie Mac since year 4!  Elaine's talent lies in healing. However, she's also one of the funniest women in the world. Growing up, I always knew she'd go into some kind of occupation that required her to be a know-it-all and caretaker.  Now she's an oncology nurse giving her patients attention and care with a smile, a genuine Texan accent, and pain relieving humor.  As kids we spent every single weekend together annoying the hell out of our families and getting into trouble everywhere we went.  I can't begin to imagine childhood without this girl and I truly believe that my humor was developed in part by Elaine.  God I love you.

So, there you go.  Some of my most favorite people in the world.  Just so happens they are incredibly talented too.  And I figured....they needed to be exposed for their creativity and raw awesomeness.  I love you mother fuckers.  To the moon and back.

Friday, February 10, 2012


I hit the wall and it smashed my face into 437 pieces.  And it was absolutely necessary.

I don't spend a lot of time looking at myself and say "Yuck.  Eww.  Nasty.  What's wrong with you?"  I have to say I have a decent sense of humor when it comes to my unattractive qualities and I know I'll never going to be a super model but I could be a little...less chubby.  Recently I've decided I'd like to shape up, lose a few lbs and just head for the summer feeling more in control of things.  I'm grateful that I'm not Hoveround ready and I'm not a cow, but I do want to get things tighter and see myself looking sexier.  Yes I said it.  I want to lose weight and look better.  GASP.

I hear people all the time talk about living a healthy lifestyle.  Many times I hear overweight or chubby people say "I want to lose weight not for looks.  I really just want to be healthy".  Bullshit.  C'mon!  Who are you kidding?!?!  Of course you want to look better!  Who doesn't?!  And when did it become a crime to admit that?  Why is is so bad to say "I want to look fierce".  And don't get me wrong, even now I can look at myself sometimes and say "Go on girl.  You got this".  But now, at 34 years of life, I want to challenge myself to transform.  I want to reinvent myself for the 147th time.  I want to welcome summer with a "Wassup you hot bitch!"  Ya.  I said that.

Last night I was in bed thinking of the gym I used to go to.  It was an all women's facility - not the reason I went there.  Being perfectly frank, I went there because it was hella close to work and home.  Well, it's still hella close.  So I thought about all the reasons I liked that gym and if I could truly afford the monthly bill.  Finally around midnight I said "Fuck it!  You spend money on other pointless things.  Why not spend it on yourself this time".  So, on my way to work I called Megan, the nice lady at the reception desk, and said "Megan, look...I need you to resubscribe me over the phone.  I will drop off the check later today.  I need this done now so I can start tomorrow.  Capisca?".  She gave a giggle, updated my account and boom - I'm in.  And tomorrow morning I will roll my ass out of bed, suit up, and kick my own ass. 

I'm really looking forward to working out again.  I have loads of aggression to deal with and what better opportunity than the at the gym coaching myself into smaller pants?  I work for a ballet company and I'm surrounded by in shape people.  In fact one of my dearest friends was already in great shape, but lately....damn.  He's looks down right delicious and cut.  I look at his progress, and while I'm older, not a dancer, and I will never be in the that kind of shape, his dedication encourages me.  Likewise with my girlfriend Julie.  She's been going to classes getting her ass kicked.  And she freely admits that it isn't always pretty.  But breaking down the body, sweating like a maniac, and reshaping your self isn't supposed to be pretty.  That comes later when you slide into some new jeans and dance in front of the mirror like a stereotypical chick flick. Yes those things do in fact happen.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow.  I'm ready to start this again and push harder, work longer, and get my ass in the shape I want. I like myself.  I don't mind my face and I don't feel like a beast.  But I'm ready to see how much better I can look and that's a pretty healthy attitude. And in July this American girl is going back to Italy and this time I'm going to try to wear a real bathing suit.

I gotta bounce....peace!

###Day 6 and I'm still doing it!  I got this, baby###