I can’t always predict what may happen during the week. My life, even in the Dust Bowl, can be very interesting. This is mainly due to the fact that I am surrounded by very interesting people. And I’m grateful because it promises something truly unique will happen. Late Sunday night I got a call from my friend, Claudio.
“Carrie! Guess what we’re doing tomorrow night?”
“We’re going to WWE!!!”
Now, let me set this up properly. My friend isn’t Johnny Midwest. No, he is in fact Italian…from Italy. This is only his second year in the states. This guy will try anything once and has the gift of enjoying the oddities in life. Yes! Of course I was excited! WWE with a Euro on a random Monday night? Yes please!
We got to the BOK CENTER to find our tickets weren’t just great, they are ringside! Oh my god. Oh mio dio! We sat directly behind the announcers’ box, tv cameras swimming around us the entire time. This was, after all, being filmed live and aired on the USA network. I should have brushed up on my wrestle mania because I was a little lost on the story line and had no idea who these guys were and why the pony tail man was so upset. My only association to this sport is Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant and the days when it was referred to as WWF. So, when the beefy guys started yelling at one another I had to pay attention, but I found myself easily distracted by the crowds of screaming fans who obviously had vested interest in the drama unfolding. One man sitting near us, we’ll call him Mr. Intense, seemed to have a personal relationship with these guys. He heckled and hollered throughout the dialogue between pony tail man and tattoo guy as if he were the third party in this steroid induced soap opera. Mr. Intense was very disappointed when pony tail man’s friend made his way to the stage and admitted to lying about a contract he was recently offered. At this point I was completely lost. What the hell is going on?
Finally, the first fight started and the music and lights found Carrie in a wide-eyed state of awe and wonder. I was ready for some blood and carnage. To our dismay, these fights weren’t like the gruesome gore fests of the early WWF days. Instead, the beef cakes moved through tricks and techniques like an actor marking through a piece; never really committing to breaking a sweat. This is not to say they didn’t occasionally dive on to one another from the ropes, but I remember the days when they’d smash chairs on heads and faces were cracked open and bleeding. Compared to the 80’s, these guys were nothing but pumped up cry babies in spandex panties.
“C’mon boys! I can see your vagina from here!!!”
At one point we looked up at the giant monitor and saw our ridiculous faces and realized we were on tv. Shit. We look like pro wrestling virgins cupping our mouths and laughing. Completely opposite from the flag waving “blue bloods” around us yelling at the ring as if they had laid down some Benjamins on this fight. And I’m sure most of them had. After all, it’s totally real, right?
At last it was the ladies turn! A bouncy blond emerged with her bestie. I couldn’t imagine how this would end considering she looked as though her spray tan may rub off on her pretty white shorts. She looked like a Cheeto and her breasts were perfectly perky and her extensions gave her a pre-baby Britney Spears look, but I as into it. Unfortunately she was tag-teamed by twins and lost the match. I was cheering for beefy Barbie though! She kicked ass! Not really but I have to pour one out for my homie!
The big bang, grand finale, mother of all fights was a giant 4-way. Huge greased men rolling all over one another so much that I thought it would turn into gay porn. And like most porn, I found it to be way too long and anticlimactic. Just get to the point and knock someone out already! POW! It was done. Finishing as champions, two men strutted out of the ring and toward fans who believe none of this was planned and everything they saw was a good ol’ American smack down. Amen and pass the biscuits!
On the way home there was silence in the car. Did we really just go to that? What on earth could be next? Well, I don’t know but with my track record it will probably be nothing less than spectacular.