I don't know if it is the holiday season or people's general curiosity of one another lives, but lately it seems that I've been asked about my thoughts on romance more than usual. I know around this time of the year we start thinking about love a lot more than we may during, say...Independence Day. It seems that inquiring minds want to know what I'm looking for in a relationship. Typically I just answer back "I'm in several relationships. I have amazing friends". And I know that's private, mysterious Scorpio in me, and most of the time they are asking in a harmless manner. But sometimes I just can't be bothered to open that box and discuss what I think a relationship should be. It seems to fall on deaf ears, so why bother? And I'm left to wonder why someone cares so much about whether or not I want to fall in love again? Is it because they are concerned for me growing old and alone? Ir is it just natural curiosity? And with the innocent comes the intrusive. It would seem that I've placed a big, red, flashing light on my forehead saying "Available". Men from my past have been coming out of nowhere with that "So, you're single again...?" Well, I wasn't interested then and I'm certainly not now. But....thanks? And really, please stop trying because you're getting nowhere. I promise.
My sister and I talk on the phone almost every night. And considering how drastically our lives have changed over the last three years, many of our conversations turn to the future and what lies ahead of us as we charge into the unknown with bright eyes and hopeful hearts. And of course we talk about relationships - the fears and dreams surrounding the beast called "romance", and everything else you can possibly imagine. So, I've started thinking about what I truly want in a relationship if ( and it's a BIG if) I ever want to be in one again.
If I had to make a list of what I'm looking for, I guess it would go like this:
Please be honest with me. Do not lie to my face because I can detect dishonesty like a drug sniffing dog. And even when I don't let on that I know you're lying, I know you're lying. And don't blame my trust issues or use them against me. That's cruel. I have trust issues because trust is like gold to me and I've been robbed one too many times. If I give you my trust, please respect it and do not lie to me.
Make me laugh! Enjoy the little things with me. Laugh at me when I'm being stupid and find the humor in most situations. Don't take yourself so seriously that you hold on to useless hurt feelings that really have nothing to do with me but become my problem. Find joy and share it with me! Laughing is my favorite part of anything and we could be happy....if you choose to laugh with me.
Don't be intimidated by my friends. They are amazing people and the reason why I'm still able to trust and love even after a great heartbreak. Yes I spend a lot of time with them, but c'mon! They are treasures And if you really have a problem with my friends, I won't stick around long. Because many times when my internal compass was broken, they were the ones to guide me back to reality. They are my rock and my sanctuary and if I could create the perfect partner for myself to spend the rest of my years with, he'd be made from all of them. I'm so lucky and you could be too if you'd only accept them. And I know, I know I seem to love them A LOT. And I do. But it doesn't mean I will love you any less. I was built to love and it is one of the things I do best. I have plenty of room for you and them.
Finally, please, above all else, please respect me. I am not your mother. I am the person you kiss, your lover. I cannot and will not play the role of mother and lover - the combination is a sickness. If you're looking for someone to tell you how to be a man, how to be kind, how to not say and do harmful and cruel things to the one you claim to love, look elsewhere. I do not have the time nor desire to be your mother. Nor do I have the time or desire to be manipulated, controlled, demeaned, and further damaged by guilt and shame. I've been a "mother", and now I'm looking for an equal.
Simply put -Be my friend. Be my best friend. Treat me as you would someone you admire and please be someone I can admire.
I guess that's it. I don't think I require much. But, when I look back I find that mosto f what I have always wanted are the things I still want in a partner. And at this point of my life I have very high standards. Some may even say they are too high. Look, I'm not asking for a ridiculously handsome man with loads of money and no life experiences with Brad Pitt's face. No. I'm simply not willing to settle for anything less than what I will give to someone. I am, even after everything I've said about relationships, still willing to accept love. But, if I can't have what I feel I'm willing to offer, well, then I will live happily ever after with myself. And perhaps some friends and cats. And I don't fear that for a future. It's not something that keeps me awake at night. Because at the end of the day I do have great love in my life. It's just not what some may expect.
I'm hesitant to post this because I don't want to be misunderstood. I'm not looking for a relationship. I'm simply listing the things I desire in a relationship. I'm perfectly happy being single. I don't live without love. In fact I feel more love than I've felt in years. Mainly, and most importantly, from and for myself.
I read a quote once and it felt so right to me that I copied it down on a piece of paper and pinned it to the wall in my office. It says "The love you give is unforgettable and transforming, the kind meant only for the brave. You are so worth it". I believe it.
Carrie
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