No.

You know when it is time to say "no".  For me it was I was burning with a need to reclaim my time, my space, my...self.

I tend to do a lot for other people.  People I love and people I don't even care for very much.  I just have a bleeding heart and a "well, it needs to get done so I guess I'll do it" mentality.  This year I decided it was time for Carrie to start saying "no".

Nothing comes for free. Everything costs. Saying a two letter word has indeed been costly.  And the things and people I have said it to were tough to face afterward.  But, for the first time in my life I know that if I don't so no, I will continue to beat myself up for not giving Carrie enough of herself.

I'm in a very busy period of time.  And often I am stuck in my own head.  I am trying very hard to not make my issues or busy schedule a problem for other people.  It's not that I don't want to be there for other people, it is simply that I have to take care of myself right now.  Otherwise I will end up burning the candle at both ends and lashing out at someone I love.

That being said, I have found myself more ready to say "Look, that was rude and...no!  Don't do that to me!  It is a different  way of saying no, but an important step in the process in reclaiming myself and reserve some head space for the body's owner.  No.  Not cool.  Stop stringing me a long and only calling on me when your world has collapsed and you need someone to talk you down.  No.

I don't want to hurt anyone and I am terrified of doing just that.  However, this isn't about anyone but me.  I need to be true to myself and outline boundaries.  I'm constantly moving and doing and right now I just need some time to myself and also time to stand up for myself.  This week I have finally become comfortable with the choices I have made and decided to not apologize for standing my ground.

NO:
I cannot help you feel better about the bad choices you have made for yourself.
I cannot go out and piss the night away.
I cannot do the assignment you were tasked with.
I cannot just be here to answer the phone when you need me when I am not afforded the same luxury.
I cannot cry with you over this mistake.
I cannot tell you what I'm thinking about because those thoughts are reserved for my contemplation.
I cannot make you feel better for the shitty thing you did to me and pretend it is all ok.
I cannot be....everywhere.

It all seems negative when you see it in black and white, but I assure you, in the long run this will save everyone a lot of heartache.  Sometimes you just can't.

Peace,
C.