2012 is here. It's a new day, a new beginning. The start of a new year is the internationally observed recognition that finally, we get to start over.
I celebrated the new year with an old friend, Julie, and another friend, Alex. None of us were sure what we wanted to do but somehow made our way to a rather uninhabited bar and sat outside, toasted, hugged and collectively sighed in relief that finally we can start making things better for ourselves. The scene was a bit like a chick flick as we were bundled up drinking whiskey and talking about the changes we'd like to see in our lives for this year. The night was long and the three of us shared deep feelings, hundreds of laughs, and of course some tears. But we never really discussed our resolutions for the new year. So, as I was heading to sleep I began pondering some things I'd like to tackle in this year and, as part of the promise I made to myself when I started this blog, I want to be honest. I want to be open and own my thoughts and my feelings. I've listed some things I want to really, with all my heart and soul, work on as I move forward.
1. I will learn to not take on the guilt of others. If I have done something to hurt someone, I will take responsibility for that, apologize, and move on. But, for the first time in my life I will aim to recognize and shake off the unnecessary guilt laid on me by someone else whose will I am not fulfilling. I am allowed to say no. I am free to disagree and let someone else deal with that on their own terms and not feel guilty. I'm done with carrying the hurt feelings of someone especially when I'm being asked to do something I strongly disagree with. And I will learn to live with the consequences of standing up for myself. I'm worth it.
2. I will trust love that is freely offered. I've been gifted to share my life with some of the most amazing people in the world. They are constant. Always there. Never failing. Even if they can't always be with me in the exact moment I want them around the most, they are always in my heart. I'm so glad that I have allowed them pass the gate, through the guarded part that is most vulnerable and scary. But they are there and I will continue to trust them and not always question their why. They are because....they are. Trust them, Carrie. They've never given you any reason to not trust them. This is truth. Live in it.
3. I will trust my own instincts. They are usually right. Call it a gut feeling, a sixth sense, or female intuition, but I know when I know something. I don't have to justify it or ignore it any longer. And I don't have to be sickened by it and over analyze it. Acknowledge it and accept it. This is the part when I get to tell myself "Listen to your heart and walk through it with your head".
4. To thine own self be true. I will learn to be okay with the emotions I feel. I will not apologize every time I cry and I will never stop saying "I love you" to the wonderful people in my life. I will love myself and the life I've lived and the life yet to come. And I will strive to remind myself every day: You are not a joke. You are not alone. You are not losing. You are not lost. You are not stupid. You are not unworthy. You are not invisible. You are not unlovable. You are you. You are smart. You are talented. You are love. You are loved. You are here.
And those are my resolutions. I do not aim to become the most attractive, most talented, most famous person I can be. Rather I aim to be the most self realized person I can be at this very moment. The one I dream of becoming. The one who understands how beautiful and real each moment is - the happiness and the sadness. It's happening to you right now. Just live it.
I recently spent time with my sister who happens to be a mentor and friend. We talked about the hardships of the passing year and our ambitions for 2012. I was looking at an image that has always been rather unsettling to me. It's an image of three swords piercing a heart. This card has haunted me and caused a physical reaction any time I have ever seen it. She said "Carrie, let the pain in. Feel it. And then let it go. Let the holes left from the swords be filled with cleansing water. Without knowing how badly it hurt, we can't know how good it feels on the other side".
So there. I've faced one of my deeply personal demons. And now I move forward.
My motto for 2012: Bring me life. Bring me Love. Bring me truth.
And the winner is.....