I hit the wall and it smashed my face into 437 pieces. And it was absolutely necessary.
I don't spend a lot of time looking at myself and say "Yuck. Eww. Nasty. What's wrong with you?" I have to say I have a decent sense of humor when it comes to my unattractive qualities and I know I'll never going to be a super model but I could be a little...less chubby. Recently I've decided I'd like to shape up, lose a few lbs and just head for the summer feeling more in control of things. I'm grateful that I'm not Hoveround ready and I'm not a cow, but I do want to get things tighter and see myself looking sexier. Yes I said it. I want to lose weight and look better. GASP.
I hear people all the time talk about living a healthy lifestyle. Many times I hear overweight or chubby people say "I want to lose weight not for looks. I really just want to be healthy". Bullshit. C'mon! Who are you kidding?!?! Of course you want to look better! Who doesn't?! And when did it become a crime to admit that? Why is is so bad to say "I want to look fierce". And don't get me wrong, even now I can look at myself sometimes and say "Go on girl. You got this". But now, at 34 years of life, I want to challenge myself to transform. I want to reinvent myself for the 147th time. I want to welcome summer with a "Wassup you hot bitch!" Ya. I said that.
Last night I was in bed thinking of the gym I used to go to. It was an all women's facility - not the reason I went there. Being perfectly frank, I went there because it was hella close to work and home. Well, it's still hella close. So I thought about all the reasons I liked that gym and if I could truly afford the monthly bill. Finally around midnight I said "Fuck it! You spend money on other pointless things. Why not spend it on yourself this time". So, on my way to work I called Megan, the nice lady at the reception desk, and said "Megan, look...I need you to resubscribe me over the phone. I will drop off the check later today. I need this done now so I can start tomorrow. Capisca?". She gave a giggle, updated my account and boom - I'm in. And tomorrow morning I will roll my ass out of bed, suit up, and kick my own ass.
I'm really looking forward to working out again. I have loads of aggression to deal with and what better opportunity than the at the gym coaching myself into smaller pants? I work for a ballet company and I'm surrounded by in shape people. In fact one of my dearest friends was already in great shape, but lately....damn. He's looks down right delicious and cut. I look at his progress, and while I'm older, not a dancer, and I will never be in the that kind of shape, his dedication encourages me. Likewise with my girlfriend Julie. She's been going to classes getting her ass kicked. And she freely admits that it isn't always pretty. But breaking down the body, sweating like a maniac, and reshaping your self isn't supposed to be pretty. That comes later when you slide into some new jeans and dance in front of the mirror like a stereotypical chick flick. Yes those things do in fact happen.
I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I'm ready to start this again and push harder, work longer, and get my ass in the shape I want. I like myself. I don't mind my face and I don't feel like a beast. But I'm ready to see how much better I can look and that's a pretty healthy attitude. And in July this American girl is going back to Italy and this time I'm going to try to wear a real bathing suit.
I gotta bounce....peace!
###Day 6 and I'm still doing it! I got this, baby###