Recently I felt very disappointed and decided to hide. I didn't want to open my heart up to everyone and talk about it, because everyone reacts differently and frankly, I wasn't interested in their opinions. The matter I was working through was only shared with one person. Someone I feel very close to through honesty and respect, a person who would knows exactly how I feel with one word: "No". What an ugly word...at times. But it became difficult because I found myself not communicating at all. I didn't talk to my sister on the phone much, and that's very unusual. I just hid. And I feel like I did the right thing. Because my tendency to want to feel better sometimes leads to me over sharing and even feeling stupid. But I had a heavy heart and I needed to hide. So I did.
While I was hiding, I did the thing I do best. I listened to all kinds of music. I felt 14 years old sitting in my room listening. Trying to find something, but I have no idea what that was. I discovered loads of news music and artists and finally felt myself becoming ready to be social again. Not too social. I stayed home for most of the weekend and listened to the Bee Gees.
When I woke up this morning, I felt more like myself. I felt like taking on the day and making the best out of a beautiful sky. While I was going through my "to do" list, I became more and more excited about the issue I was disappointed in - meaning, I felt "this is only the beginning". And, as if I were dumped in a tub full of warm water, I let go. I looked in the mirror and I saw a woman that has been all over the emotional map in the last few years, but here she is dreaming again.
That was the point. That was why I needed to hide. Nobody is going to tell Carrie what she needs to hear until she hears it through her own voice. That's so hard to remember, isn't it? But when it finally resonates, you can wipe the dirt off and get back on the horse.
Fearlessness isn't something I can charge into any situation with, knowing I may fall flat on my face. However, I'm learning to be more fearless. I want to take huge risks this year. I want to do things that scare me and I want to truly understand the limits of my own creative will. What do I really want, what amount of disappointment can I take before I give up? And what am I truly willing to put out there in the universe?
I can't answer all of those questions right now. I don't need to right now. But, as far as my recent disappointment? Well, it's time to let it go. Poof! Be gone!
So, I turned on my ipod, and, well, I let the smooth harmonies of the Bee Gees take me away......and it was better than yoga.