Natasha

Today is a beautiful day that has followed a great night.  It was First Friday in Tulsa and all of the museums were open, live music was playing, and people were crawling everywhere.  I couldn't believe it was Tulsa.  I had a hard time wrapping my head around the growth that has happened in this Dust Bowl city.  It was pretty great actually.  And the First Friday brought out a lot of people I haven't seen in a while.  It was lovely to see friends - smiling, laughing, happy friends.

The museum I now work for is dedicated to music and its impact on society.  I love it here.  Each day I find a reason to be inspired and I see  faces of people who are also finding inspiration.  And there is no shortage of live music.  We have a theater in the museum and there is a concert stage right outside in the park.  Each day you'll see people sitting out there playing, meeting other musicians, talking about their passion and and enjoying the company of other passionate people.  It's truly a beautiful time to be in the heart of a growing arts district.  And Tulsa has always appreciated and supported its local muscians.

I've always been someone who relates to music with or without lyrics.  I guess my number one hobby is listening to music and analyzing the style, mood, phrasing, and lyrics if it has vocals.   Yesterday while a duo was casually working on a song from their new album, I popped in to watch and some lyrics caught my attention: "Don't let it break you, I hate this for you".  The song was quiet and beautiful and the singer's voice was soft and very delicate.  Appropriate for delivering the simple yet honest words in the song.  I wondered why she had written this song and who it was about.  Honestly, none of the other lyrics stood out to me, but that line just really struck my heart.  Who is she singing about?

I love folk music.  When I got home I started listening to one of my favorite contemporary singers, Rufus Wainwright.  He has an interesting perspective on the world and his songs don't always make sense, but the do....somehow.  I love his writing style and he makes no apologies for writing from life.  His song "Natasha" seems obscure at first listen.  The lyrics don't seem to make perfect sense and that's what I loved about it.  When I first heard it I had to get to the bottom of it and I researched hundreds of wiki articles, Youtube videos, etc.  Finally on his own website I found an article where Rufus himself explained the meaning of the sweet, yet confusing song.  It turns out he wrote it for his friend and actress Natasha Lyonne.  Apparently the girl has a serious addiction to harsh drugs and was found living in her apartment in terrible conditions.  She was very ill with a heart and lung infection and was also tested positive for Hepatitis C.  Knowing all of this and listening again, I found that it started to make sense.  While the lyrics are scattered, seeing someone in that condition makes no sense.  So, he just wrote from his heart, seemingly unedited.  How beautiful. 

I've listened to this song today a few times.  How tragic, how brave.  However I don't know how I feel about being so transparent.  It's....scary!


You walk alone in the valley of life
In the shadow of love under the trees of happiness

You walk alone like a baby unborn
Like a father unknown
Like a pocket penniless

I'm happy that you really care
But do you really know
How scary
This is for you and is for me?
Oh do you you really know?
Do you really know? oh..

Natasha
All I can do
Is write a song for you
Natasha
Oh Natasha

For you I sit alone on the cozy ground floor
On a bench by the garden
Waiting also
Waiting for love and thinking of all of the
Catty remarks I also swallow

And as I've often asked before
Does anybody know
How scary
This is for you and is for me?
Does anybody know?
Anybody know? oh...

Natasha
All I can do
Is write a song for you
Natasha
Oh Natasha
All I can do
Is write a song for you
Natasha

Quieting The Shouldbes

I guess each year I go through a period when I start listening to peripherals telling me what I should be doing with my life.  For the last two months they've been rather loud and I started to listen and take their words to heart.  Not a good idea.

There is a major difference in good advice and those who want to tell you what you should be doing with your time.  And lately the Shouldbes have been telling me I should start dating.  Great, thanks.

Unfortunately I didn't just walk away and continue along with my daily routine of coffee, laughter, and friends.  Instead I began to contemplate dating and immediately choked back the urge to vomit. What is dating now?  A long time ago when I did date it meant awkward conversations and moments of hand brushes and lean-ins.  Yuck!  After the Shouldbes tell me I should start dating there is usually the following statements: "I know this really nice guy", "You're a catch", and "You need to put yourself back on the market".

Let's address the statements.

1. "I know this really nice guy" - Good for you!  I'm glad you know a nice man; he sounds lovely.  However, if you're going to imply that we need to meet I will probably give you a blank stare.  No words, just a stare.  Because while you may think it is impossible for me to meet people, you couldn't be further from the truth. I meet people every single day of my life.  I meet great people.  I meet attractive people and some of them are men!  Yes, men!  But I have no interest in meeting this really nice guy during an awkward dinner at your house while you and your husband study us to see if there's a connection.  And if you don't see it sparking, you push and try to force it to happen. And each time I get up to go to the kitchen you follow me and ask "Well, what do you think?" to which I will reply "I'd rather be eating glass".  And that may end our perfectly polite acquaintanceship because let's face it, this will never end.  Next you'll want to introduce me to your weird cousin who has just seen some "tough times".   

2. "You're a catch" - I'm sorry... I'm a what?  A catch?  I'm a fish?  What are you saying?  I understand that you're not trying to be a jerk, I know.  But let's talk about this statement.  To catch something is to trap it, to keep it, to cook and eat it...or mount it in a wall. Considering where I currently reside, in the Bible belt where gender roles are expectations are still clinging to a 1963 way of thinking, being a catch makes me feel suffocated and....colorless.  Most of the time people who say this don't mean anything harmful, but it is still very much a statement living in the universe of a severe male gaze and I have no intention to be caught in that 

3. "You need to put yourself back on the market" - My least favorite of all these seemingly polite comments made to single people the world over. And exactly what market are we referring to here?  Because you seem to think I need to invest myself in playing the relationship stock market; trading up and down to find a mate.  No.  No, no, no..and no!  I am aware of Match.com and eHarmony which are two resources for single people needing assistance and a marketing plan to meet people.  But see, I'm not that desperate.  Yes, I said it.  Those institutions are not meant for me.  I am a people person and I enjoy talking and getting to know humans -not inflated, self-indulgent profiles that shed little light on the real person and hide the underlying reason for most singles using these sites, which is "I'm looking for sex".  There is no market to which I need to make an appearance. 

I know someone reading this may think I'm over sensitive and touchy.  To that I say - think what you wish.  I don't really care.  All I want you to do is stay out of my business when it comes to how I choose to spend my time.  I like my friends.  They make me laugh - a lot!  I have the best time and feel the most fulfilled when I've had a lovely night of zero pressure and loads of laughter.  That is what makes me glow.  That is what love feels like to me.  If this bothers you I'd be inclined to ask you what your definition of a relationship is because you've been so interested in the lack of one in my life that you've neglected your own.  

I'm a happy person and I don't want to waste another single second lamenting on the things I don' have when  love and companionship is sitting right next to me in the form of a loyal friend.  I don't want to waste time feeling sorry for myself because I don't have children or because I may never find "that guy".  And I refuse to do something I do not want to do just to make the Shouldbes feel better. 

I'm doing okay, guys.  Really.  Are you?

Peace,

C

My Grandma, an Unusual Woman

I can't help but be a little sister.  Dawn wrote a beautiful memorial to our grandmother, and like any little sister, I had to copy big sister.  I just want to take a moment to capture some of my favorite memories of a woman I called Grandma.

Barbara Prudden Clevenger came to this world on July, 1, 1933 and departed this world to be with her beloved husband, Ernie, on April 5, 2013.  To me it makes perfect sense. Grandma always loved the spring. She dressed in spring colors pretty much all year round and loved the flowers and bright blue skies of the season.  I can't say for sure if spring was her favorite time of the year, but she always seemed particularly fond of April, May, and June.

Grandma was unusual.  She lived her life to a peculiar tune and was always finding a reason to smile.  She wasn't mean, loud, or scary as some grandmas.  Instead she enjoyed laughter and over sentimental gestures like calling just to tell me a story she remembered about when she and Grandpa visited us in Texas when Dawn and I were tiny.  

She liked to recall the old days, when she was a young girl who fell in love with the most handsome boy she had ever seen.  The boy who became a veteran of WWII.  The boy who was forced to grow from a boy to a man while he was in Japan and saw things that would haunt him for the rest of his life.  The man who was awarded for his bravery when he returned to help his fellow fallen soldiers. The man who became her husband and best friend through trials, sickness, and immense pain.  She was in love with that boy. And I think to her, he remained that handsome boy for over 60 years. Because each time she looked at him, her eyes sparkled with the same intensity of a young girl seeing the man of her dreams for the very first time.  

Grandma would go on and on for hours about the days of her youth.  When I was about 17, my grandparents and aunt Frankie stopped in Tulsa on their wait to Houston.  I hitched a ride with them as I was heading down to spend time with Dawn.  A trip that usually takes 8 hours turned into a 12 hour journey through Oklahoma and Texas that I will never forget.  I sat in the back seat with Frankie and it was probably an hour into the trip when Grandma started talking about life during the Great Depression.  Most of the stories were about simple survival and making the most out of limited means.  She told me about how her parents and siblings often grouped with other families and combined resources to make life bearable.  Some of the things she witnessed would have been too much for my young heart and mind to overcome.  But Grandma was unique.  She'd been through hell and back, saw things that nightmares are made of, and lived through it with a smile on her face.  In fact, her favorite stories were the ones about having fun even while the world was going to shit!  Grandpa was silent for the most part, but at one point her turned his head and said "Barbara!  Nobody wants to hear your crazy stories!".  But I did.  We did!  Frankie and I sat in the back saying to one another "we should be writing this down...".  I will never forget that trip.  

My Grandma was also a champion for the underdog. When she loved someone, she loved them wholly and unconditionally   Even when they messed up and even when everyone else turned their back on them, Grandma still loved them and didn't hide her affections.  She often seemed riddled with confusion and felt helpless when her people weren't getting along.  She just wanted her family to be together and love one another.  It didn't always happen as she desired but she never gave up hope that it was possible.  She was everyone's cheerleader...even when they didn't deserve her accolades. 

Did I mention that my grandmother was unique?  Boy was she!  She loved being involved and active so to make things more interesting for herself she got a job at T G & Y.  In case you don't remember it was a little department store kind of like Family Dollar or General Dollar.  She always had a story about what happened at work that day and it was always, and I mean always something interesting.  One of my favorite stories is her unusual relationship with and individual on the fringe of society.  I never knew his name, but he lived in our neighborhood. He always wore white linen and rode around town on, I guess you'd say an...adult tricycle.  I don't know what else it would be called.  He had long white hair, was very quite and never bothered anyone.  He'd just ride by in the sunshine, blinding you as the light reflected from the pale skin, hair, and clothes he wore.  Oh!  Did I mention he was a cross dresser? Yes - white hair, pale skin, white linen, and....red lips and cheeks.  Well, this man would ride to T G & Y where he met Grandma - a stranger to nobody and friend to everyone.  Grandma didn't even seem phased by this odd person. Instead, she walked around the store and helped him pick out makeup! Knowing my grandmother, the linen donned cross dresser probably knew our entire family history, how long she'd been married, what her children and grandchildren's names were, and that her favorite color was anything girly.  The poor guy probably never said a word.  But, for a moment, imagine his gratitude for this crazy old lady who didn't even blink at the site of him.  Instead she told him where to park the tricycle and what shade would look best against his transparent skin. That was my Grandma.  No, she wasn't an activist for any cause, she was just kind.  I'd call it Christlike.  She had a smile and I'm sure it was never forgotten by those she touched with her warm heart.

The thing I believe Grandma passed down to me was her childlike wonder of the world.  My dad certainly has it and I have it, too.  It's in our bright blue eyes and when I look at my reflection, I see her and the hope she carried in her heart for everyone she loved.  

Thank you, Grandma.  Thank you for the late nights watching weird television shows while we painted our nails and talked about boys.  Thank you for the endless supply of ghost stories that frightened me and excited me!  Thank you for taking me to church and asking the preacher to allow me to sing while you sat on the front row and watched. Not as if you were watching Carrie, but as if you were watching a star.  You certainly made me feel like one in your eyes.  Thank you for doing anything for a laugh!  Whether you were making a silly face or  dumping sugar on your head, thank you for teaching me the importance of smiling through the tears.  Thank you for being the most unlikely teacher of tolerance.  Thank you for loving music and sharing it with me.

Grandma, you rarely let them see you sweat, and if they did you made a joke out of it to relive the pressure.  And today, while I sit and think about you, a song comes to mind and I can see you singing along. And it is no accident that it's a Charlie Chaplin song!  So, here's to you Grandma! I carry you in my heart forever. I love you

Peace,

Carie

Nobody Got Time for That

I haven't written in a while because I got busy, got distracted, got lazy.  But, here I am on an early spring day with a lot on my mind.  I am finding it hard to focus on one thing because it seems that nothing and everything is going on all at once.

Okay - here's the thing.  I try to be very positive in anything I make public.  Of course I have my opinion but I try to keep things on the up and up.  However, lately I feel a little like I may be untruthful with my good will.  Some things just don't deserve my positive spin.  I'm tired of keeping my mouth shut about it, too.

Here is my biggest complaint: Shitty people.

I'm so sick of nasty, awful, mean, manipulative people.  I'm done!  And I don't want to be nice to them.  I don't want to say "Well at least she did this..." or "At least he was that...".  No!  At the end of the day when someone is a shitty person, who doesn't have basic human decency, they do not deserve my kindness.

Various social medias remind me on a daily basis just how shitty some people really are, and it is exhausting. I don't understand why some individuals feel it necessary to be so awful.  To be bullies!  Usually I can ignore it but in the last few weeks I just feel overrun by idiots who think it is okay to be an asshole because nobody has to take responsibility for failing at humanity.

I'm so sick of dealing with adult children.  It's one thing to be young a heart, and another to be a spoiled brat who makes another miserable because they are unhappy.  Just stop it!  Grab a mirror and take a look at yourself for a moment.  What do you gain from being so awful that someone else is left feeling low?

I'm not a shitty person and I'm so grateful for that. I make mistakes, accidentally hurt people I care for, and sometimes say hings I don't mean out of anger.  But damn it I am a great person.  I live by the golden rule and I love my people fiercely.  I have no complaints about the core of my heart because I know my intentions are pure.    But today, I'm running from assholes.  I can't be bothered with their bull shit.  And, I tell you this with the truest conviction: your shitty misery will not encourage me to join you.  No, in fact you will reap the benefits of bad karma.  Trust me...."they" always do.

Please be kind.  Please.  This is a tough world we live in.  Be nice.  Do right.  Love....love....love.

Peace,
C.

The Greatest of These is Love

Valentine's Day is tomorrow and already I'm seeing flowers, cookies, and other types of edible love offerings being delivered to the office.  And, of course, Facebook is lit up about the dreaded holiday.  It seems to not  matter that it is 2013 and everyone makes fun of the day, people still want to express their loneliness on this day.  

"Another year alone"

"Guess I will spend it with my dog"

"Dateless....again"

These are some of the things I'm already tired of sifting through in various social medias.  Along with the invites to "Anti-Valentine's Day Movie Party".  Blugh, no thanks!

I'm not sure why some people like to draw so much attention to the fact that they are dateless and will be spending another week night on the sofa in their pajamas.  Is it perhaps a call to action?  "I'm all alone.  Rescue me".  And it's no better with people posting photos of ridiculous teddy bears wearing red t-shirts that read " I Wuv U".  Why is Valentine's Day so damn important - good o bad?  I think the answer may be found in the emotional maturity level of the bragger or beggar.  

See, I'm frustrated with the holiday.  No, it's not because I don't have a date and someone to shower me with flowers and chocolates to wreck my diet.  I don't care about all of that.  What I am disappointed in is the reaction people have to a day that is supposed to celebrate love.  You don't have a date?  Okay....but don't you have a lot of friends?  You're a single dad?  But, doesn't your daughter adore you?  Valentine's Day doesn't have to be for lovers - that's Virginia!  

See? 

My point is this: when you whine on social media, in the office, or to your friends about how lonely and unloved you are, well, that makes you an asshole, and perhaps why are you single.  Your mom loves you, right?  You sister thinks you hung the moon.  Your friends?  Shit!  They couldn't live without you.  So, before you decide to pop in Celine Dion's "All By Myself" and wrap yourself up in pity party for one, look around.  Perhaps you are more loved than you realized.  And even if it's not love, there is someone who counts on seeing your face, hearing your voice, or getting an occasional text message from you that just brightens their day.  Hell, maybe that lady who serves you coffee every morning really looks forward to your arrival because, for whatever reason, you just make it a good day. 

I don't want to be misunderstood.  If you are in love, by all means you are lucky!  Isn't that the best feeling in the world?  But, just because someone is single, not in a relationship, it doesn't mean that we are unloved.  I, for one, am in the middle of experiencing some of the greatest love of my life, and all of it coming from family and friends.

Happy Valentine's Day.  I wish you love.....

God Bless Us, America

There is something wrong in my country.  It seems like an over simplified statement, but sadly it is very true.

Each day our morning news brings us stories of great violence happening right down the street.  From Newtown to the quadruple homicide that took place here in Tulsa,  the amount of violent murders is gaining momentum and only proving that we, the people, of the United States of America  have a problem.

Of course there is violence all of there world. Of course there is great injustice and terrible crimes taking places daily in other countries. But I'm not talking about other places. I am talking about right here in my own back yard.  America is stressed out.

The "American Dream" is something we strive to attain and taking up that call leads us to unfulfilled lives.  We are over weight, over worked, under paid, under valued by others and ourselves.  We work for something that seems unattainable and the result is a nation of unhappy people who live in a country with such great potential.  Instead of experiencing life, we walk through it with our heads lowered to the ground, counting down the days until our next vacation or retirement.  And we are even shamed for taking vacation and asked to work while we're off and out of the office.   And what is it all for?  What is the reward?  We have disconnected from one and another and placed more value on stuff. Stuff that means nothing and we have lost our ability to follow what we truly desire.

I'm so sad for this nation.  I mean, this is the United States of America!  The land of opportunity   The "Free World", the "New World".  And what are we doing with it other than drinking too much, eating too much, and taking loads of medication for depression and anxiety?

It's so frustrating and heart breaking.  What do we have to get our shit together, We must stop it and learn to relax and enjoy life again.  I just don't know how to encourage this thinking.  To a lot of people it seems irresponsible and lazy.  So where is the happy medium?

I have no answers.  I'm only asking because I am desperate to learn how to change my own life so that I may enjoy it and be more fulfilled.

Dear god, help us all.....

"Do Something That Scares You, Carrie"

I promised myself that in 2013 I would take more risks, walk outside my comfort zone, and do something that scares me.  Before the first month of the new year ended, I added one check to my list.  And the results were liberating.

Each and every one of us have our limits.  I tend to feel that I am a pretty daring person.  I mean, I don't always go out and seek something daring.  But, if something is suggested to me I just may take the opportunity.  I admire people who do things that are uncomfortable but hold their heads up as brave soldiers marching into the field of the great unknown.  I have so many beautiful people in my life who are so courageous and they inspire me to be brave.

I think it is best to scare yourself from time to time.  Otherwise you live a life in taupe and gray, and that's just no fun - is it?  Since I made this bold choice, I feel as if it has opened the door to more risks and adventures.   I mean, it may have only been something small in the scheme of things, but it certainly helped light a fire under my ass.  And essentially that's all I was looking for in this experience.


I don't know what's next on my risk taking list, but I'm hoping for something big and I'm excited.