Pour a Little Gibb On It

We all deal with disappointment.  It is a part of life.  We're disappointed in situations, in people, in ourselves, and sometimes all at once.  And how we deal with various from person to person.  Some of us drink, some of us eat our feelings.  Some of us shop, while others choose to be in large social groups, forgetting we were ever disappointed.

Recently I felt very disappointed and decided to hide.  I didn't want to open my heart up to everyone and talk about it, because everyone reacts differently and frankly, I wasn't interested in their opinions.  The matter I was working through was only shared with one person.  Someone I feel very close to through honesty and respect, a person who would knows exactly how I feel with one word: "No".   What an ugly word...at times.  But it became difficult because I found myself not communicating at all.  I didn't talk to my sister on the phone much, and that's very unusual. I just hid. And I feel like I did the right thing. Because my tendency to want to feel better sometimes leads to me over sharing and even feeling stupid.  But I had a heavy heart and I needed to hide.  So I did.

While I was hiding, I did the thing I do best.  I listened to all kinds of music.  I felt 14 years old sitting in my room listening.  Trying to find something, but I have no idea what that was.  I discovered loads of news music and artists and finally felt myself becoming ready to be social again.  Not too social.  I stayed home for most of the weekend and listened to the Bee Gees.

When I woke up this morning, I felt more like myself. I felt like taking on the day and making the best out of a beautiful sky.  While I was going through my "to do" list, I became more and more excited about the issue I was disappointed in - meaning, I felt "this is only the beginning".  And, as if I were dumped in a tub full of warm water, I let go.  I looked in the mirror and I saw a woman that has been all over the emotional map in the last few years, but here she is dreaming again.

THANK GOD!!!!!!

That was the point.  That was why I needed to hide.  Nobody is going to tell Carrie what she needs to hear until she hears it through her own voice.  That's so hard to remember, isn't it?   But when it finally resonates, you can wipe the dirt off and get back on the horse.

Fearlessness isn't something I can charge into any situation with, knowing I may fall flat on my face.  However, I'm learning to be more fearless.  I want to take huge risks this year.  I want to do things that scare me and I want to truly understand the limits of my own creative will.  What do I really want, what amount of disappointment can I take before I give up?  And what am I truly willing to put out there in the universe?

I can't answer all of those questions right now.  I don't need to right now.  But, as far as my recent disappointment?  Well, it's time to let it go.  Poof!  Be gone!

So, I turned on my ipod, and, well, I let the smooth harmonies of the Bee Gees take me away......and it was better than yoga.

Thanks, mates! 

Pillows Save Lives

I recently went home from the holidays.  Back to Houston - back to the grounds of my youth.  One night my family and I met up with my oldest friend, Elaine, and her husband Alex.  They are pregnant with their first child and are both over the moon about it.  She looks amazing and I don't know if I've ever seen her look so beautiful.

Elaine and I had a long history and a friendship that has been through a lot, and survived a lot.  I met her when I was a wee tot in a class called Mission Friends.  We shared a laugh over a fart joke and not much as changed.  Any time we see one another, it's always reduced to potty humor and childlike antics.  We still manage to find the time to act as if we were 10 years old, laughing like maniacs and punching one another like boys do on a playground.  Well, not now as she is clearly prego and that would just be cruel on my part.  It doesn't, however, keep her from punching me!  Nope, some things never change. 

After we had dinner, Elaine, Alex and I all went to my sister's house and started dishing about stories from the past.  While we're only in our 30's, telling stories about our youth never gets old, especially when we have a captive audience.  Somehow a particularly ridiculous story came up, and we relived it with Dawn and Alex, laughing so hard i nearly sent her into early labor.

Elaine and I were brats, but we were very innocent.  We kept each other out of a lot of trouble because all we wanted to do was laugh and have fun.  When she got her driver's licenses, she became the one with the wheels.  At some point her parents bought her a blue Chevy Beretta.  Mistake #1.  Elaine drove that car like a bat out of hell.  At times you'd see a blue streak zip by blaring Snoop Dogg and, well, Elaine was here.  We raced all over town in that car.  We were two super heroes out to spread laughter. 

Remember the Chevy Beretta?

"...ain't nuthin' but a G thang, baybay..."

Ya - that's it. But when we were together, it seemed like this....

In fact, out friend Kalan said any time we saw us drive up, he instinctively heard the Batman theme song in his head. 

Well, one night we were out way past our curfew and the speed demon, Elaine, decided to make up time by taking an old highway she often used as her personal race track.  We were careening down the road when we approached a truck, not going fast enough for her standards.  Elaine proceeded to pass the truck and give him the ol' Texas howdy when we were finally in front of him.  You know - arm stretched out and the middle finger pointed sharply in the air.  It was almost midnight and she was desperate to make it to the driveway before the clock landed at 12:00 am.  Speeding down the highway, we were making good time, that is until headlights were gaining on us like a ghost out of the fog.  

"Shit!  It's that dude in the truck!"

The truck caught up with us and started tailing us like a cop vs. robber chase.  We started to freak out and...assume.

"He probably has a gun!  He's going to shoot us!"

Nearing 100 mph, we couldn't go much faster.  With fear and speed, things would surely end tragically.  I looked around the car for...something.  Anything to help us.

"I have pillows in the back seat!"

Right!  Pillows!  Pillows?  Yes pillows!  So, with all reason and logic, we tied the pillows to our heads and ducked down to avoid bullets busting into the back of our skulls.  Why pillows?  To held absorb the bullets, of course!  

So, seconds until midnight, heading down the road over 100 mph, pillows tied to our heads, screaming like we were running form Jason (of Friday the 13th), the truck's lights seemed like beacons of death.  Coming for us to take our young innocent lives.  

"Oh crap!  Here he comes!"

The truck is now next to us, and the guy looks over at us.  Imagine this from his perspective.  Two teenage girls, screaming and crying with tears streaming down their faces...and pillows tied to their heads. 

He didn't even flip us off.

We finally made it home with hearts pounding and...yes pillows still tied to our heads. I guess we figured he may be lurking around  a dark corner to start the chase all over again.  

While Elaine and I told this story, both taking the spotlight to fill in the details, Dawn and Alex were holding themselves laughing.  We all had watery eyes and that laughing cough.  Days later when I had returned to Tulsa, my sister emailed me and said "I love that story.  It shows ignorance but it also shows how innocent you were."

It's tales like this that make me realize even the dumbest situations will eventually get a laugh.  At a moment in our lives when we thought "This is the end!  I love you to the moon and back", it only became one of my dearest and fondest memories.

Elaine will be a mother soon and I am going to be a Godmother (yesssssss).  I can't wait to entertain Haven with stories about Mommy and Carrie as stupid, innocent, sass mouthed kids.  Better yet,  I can't wait to embarrass her with these stories when she and her best friend start to drive.

I still love you to the moon and back. I'm sure if you could have found a way to drive there, we would have gone. 

Peace,

C.

  

I'm Just Being Nice, Dammit!!! EDIT

So, have you ever been in a situation where you're trying to be nice and it backfires in your face?  Big time?  It's so frustrating because you feel like you need to over explain yourself which only sinks you further down the hole, leaving you feeling like a grade A idiot.  This happened to me recently and it was, in my opinion, one of the scenarios I dread the most.

My friend Tuller and I went out for sushi on Friday.  We were seated at the bar by two men, probably in their mid to late 30's.  I'm a pretty friendly person and I'll talk to just about anyone so instinctively I said hello to both of them.  However, my friendliness was met with ...the look.  You know, that look that says "No thanks, honey".  Umm.  I was just being nice, jerk.  The two guys were involved in some deep conversation and I just brushed it off.  Whatever, right?  Tuller and I ordered and were having fun talking about shallow things like foreign trade agreements and human trafficking.  At some point I laid my phone on the bar and when I went to reach for it, something felt odd.  I realized I was reaching for one of the guys' phones and I said "Oops, I almost grabbed yours" to which he replied "You wouldn't have unlocked it.  It's not a tick-tack-toe", followed by the look again.

What's your problem, asshole?

I tried being nice and laughing it off, but I fear it made me look flirty and I didn't want to come off as the least bit interested.  I'm nice.  I'm really nice and we're kind of seated in close proximity so occasion, crossover happens.  I mean, I'm only being a decent person and smiling and when my elbow bumps into yous, I say "excuse me" or "sorry about that" and I make eye contact.  But it doesn't mean I want anything else from you, ok?

Tuller and I went on about our conversation and I noticed the guy kept giving me these...looks.  Again with the "I'm not interested in you, honey" looks.  You know? I started to get very irritated and I so badly wanted to stand up and shout at him.  But that would have made me look like a lunatic.  Throughout the entire dinner he and his friend were talking and looking over at us and I wanted to ask "what's the problem?" but I just continued on with my conversation with Tuller.  Finally the two men left and I couldn't have been more relieved.  He was just really irritating me.  Tuller knew exactly why this got under my skin, but let me shed some light on the situation.  This guy, whom I've never met before and was only extending common courtesy to, was in violation of 3 serious man rules!  And he had the nerve to think I was interested?  Ugh!

1. He was clearly nearing 40, yet he wore sagging butt jeans as if he were a 17 year rapper wannabe
2. It's January and that tan makes you look like a Cheeto.
3. And most importantly - waxed eyebrows!  And I'm not talking about some plucking.  These brows were a choice in a line of 50, named after famous Hollywood actresses and he chose the "Eva Longoria"

Once again my attempt to just be nice was mistaken for flirting and this guy, who looked like a middle aged mob wife, felt it was necessary to let me know he wasn't interested.  Gross.  Later Tuller and I met up with another friend at a tavern.  As we were about to leave Tuller grabbed me, pointed, and said "Carrie, look!  It's that Jersey Shore Lady Man!"  I tried sending him powerful glares that would shoot straight through his backwards cap and into his skull.  Take THAT Eva!  But, alas, the idiot was never phased by my long distance lazer stare.

Tuller and I laughed about it and I guess I'm over it.  But really, I just couldn't stand that fact that he felt like he "won". That somehow he felt better for being an asshole to me.  C'mon, man! You are so gross and I was just being nice.

Oh well.  The only thing I did win with this one was not getting arrested for assault.

Peace,
C.

Last night while I was in the middle of my crossfit class at the gym, I look up as my legs are spread wide open, and guess who!  YES!  Creepy/Asshole/Eyebrow guy!  He goes to my gym!  Why does the universe play such cruel jokes on me?  When our eyes met, I'm sure I looked like a deer in the headlights.  I proceeded to catch my breath and then I just played it off as if I had never seen him before.  But, in full florescent light, sans ridiculous backwards cap, he looks even more like a middle aged woman.  He looks like if John Travolta as a woman trying not to look like a man.  Whatever - it's my gym, too.  And he still looks stupid.  And while he was looking around the room for hot chicks, I'm sure they all felt a little weird being eye raped by guy who looks like an Avon salesperson.  Nasty.

Good Lord.

Stress/Lack of Sleep/Stress/SHIT!!

In my effort to be more honest and to blog more, I'm, well, blogging two days in a row.

I'm frustrated as hell today.  December was a very busy month and I worked 21 days straight before I had a day off.  Before going into the busy schedule, I made a promise to myself to work out at least  5 days a week, and I did just that.  I focused mainly on cardio as a stress reducer and fat burner.  I'm trying to get the remainder of this weight off.  Well, I counted every calorie, good or bad, worked out, tried to get quality sleep, and focused on the positive.  At the end of the month I showed no weight loss!  How is this possible????  I turned down loads of holiday food and even made myself consume more water.

SHIT!

Well, I did some research and apparently stress can lead to weight gain and weight retention even when you're counting calories and  following a work out plan.  Well, that's just great.  Fine!  Even though I made an effort to not be maxed out, I know I was stressed.  With Nutcracker and the general holiday madness, I think I need to find a way to de-stress.  One that doesn't include alcohol or laziness.  So, this morning I organized myself.  First thing - I planned out my workouts for the next two weeks.  My gym has loads of classes and I'm going to shake up my days by doing something different every single time I step foot in that place.  I've made a calendar of workouts that I'm going to do which include cycling class and circuit training with a few days of my typical carido/strength training thrown in so that I stay on control of my "me time".

I've come so far since August and I want to get to my goal by mid spring.  I don't have unattainable numbers so it's not like I'm trying to do the impossible.  I just want to get there.  I'm lucky to have a support system and a great gym that offers a lot of options.  I wish I could afford a trainer but that gets expensive very quickly.  I know what I'm doing, I know it takes time, and I know I can do this.  I'm just frustrated today and I need to get it out of my heart so that  I can move on and move forward.  I'm very proud of the progress I've made and I don't intend on stopping any time soon.  I deserve the best me possible, and I'm going to let myself have it for once.

Woo.  Deep breath.  I just needed to get that out.

I got this.

I got this.

I got this.

UPDATE I have lost 1 pound since the holidays have finally ended.  Yay.  It's all about maintaining stress.

2013 - It's Not Complicated

Well, hello new year!

Wow.  When I take a look at the last year, I find that I'm still shocked at all that has happened and here I'm am with a smile and bright outlook on the year to come.

2012 wasn't a bad year at all.  It had ups and downs - so what, who cares?!  But it was a great year.  A year of learning, growing, understanding, letting go, and welcoming the new.  So much happened in 365 days and when it's smashed together in a seemingly insignificant number, it is amazing how quickly it truly flies by before you're ringing in another year. 

I took a moment to look over the resolutions I made last year and I think I truly stuck to them and learned from them.  I'm happy to say that I feel I made a lot of personal progress in 2012.  Now, this year is about taking more risks.  I want to jump, dive, and sail into another chapter.  But, there is a lot I still have to do to get there.

My resolutions are simple this year.

1. Be nice.  

2. Say "I love you" as much as possible.

3. Keep pushing myself physically

4. Find it.  Get it.  Live it.

5. Create more. 

6. TRAVEL

I'm a pretty happy person.  No, I'm not always in a good mood and I have some really awful days.  However, I am blessed with love and friendship and I feel confident to take big risks this year.  I want to met more people, see more places, discover new things, and live, live, live!!!!

I haven't much to say about it.  I'm charging into another year of my life feeling happy and fresh.  I'm healthy and I have love.  What more could I ask for?

Oh!  And I have a few songs that I declare as my essential 2013 Playlist
Truly....
Classic and True!!
Hit or Miss
:)

Happy New Year, Ya'll!

The Hap, Happiest Season of All

So, I don't typically blog twice in a week.  But, this morning I'm fighting the holiday grumps due to loads of stress and little sleep.  I'm in the business of making holiday magic and sometimes it all gets overwhelming.  In order to fight the Scrooge in me and put on a happy face I started thinking of some of my favorite holiday memories.  All of them from the first of December to New Years Eve.  And I found myself laughing so hard on the way in to work that I thought I'd just share.

I'll start with a family memory.  Christmas at my house .  My dad always worked on Christmas  however, on and around the holidays, no matter how tired he was, the Christmas tree came up and family photos were taken as we squished on to a sofa, smiled, and waiting for 5-7 days for the prints to be ready at Sak-N-Save grocery store. Recently my mom emailed some of the photos.  I laid in bed on a Saturday night and looked through each file, laughing the entire time.  Hindsight is 20/0, but still you'd think we'd have enough sense to realize we looked stupid.  But alas, we did not and now these photos offer hours of entertainment as we lament on Christmas Past.

Exhibit A:  I refer to this as "Hurry Up the Timer is About to Go Off"

Mom's gonna kill me for this!

While Dawn (my sister) and I were looking over this picture, she says "Geez, did you and I just get out of the shower of what???"  Apparently we were fans of Lionel Richie because we were sporting his Jerry Curl (as seen below.  This is NOT, however, Lionel Richie.  Just his hair)  

Hey, girl, hey!

My dad's face kills me every time I look at at this picture.  He was so concerned about capturing the right moment that he ended up looking stressed.  And my mom!  Oh...my...god. The word smile wasn't in her vocabulary that day.  Perhaps it was the over-sized glasses that put her in a bad mood, but I'm guessing it was two unruly preteens making her feel like she was in the 9th circle of hell.  This photo is timeless and priceless to me.

Another favorite memory is one particular Christmas when Dawn and I were both teenagers.  We grew up in Baytown, TX on the bayou in  a proper Southern Baptist Church.  Of course each year there was the Christmas Eve candle light service that typically kicked off the night for most of the church families.  You'd go to the service, light your candles, trade cards and cookies, then go home to begin the family portion of the night.  It was the same for us - service then to Grandma's house, then to our own home, then to bed.  Well, this year Dawn and I were left on our own to get there on time as Mom and Dad were singing in the choir for the evening's events.  Dawn was driving at this point so we had wheels but, suddenly we became every distracted.  Already dressed in our nearly matching outfits and gazing at the clock to be sure we were keeping a responsible schedule, Dawn turns on the television to prepare the VCR to record the In Living Color: Christmas Special.  Oops.  It was already running and while she frantically tried to get the tape ready, we both managed to sit down right in front of the t.v. and start watching, not realizing it was already past 7:00 pm.  Shit.  We are late.  Oh well!  We sat, legs crossed Indian style, on the floor and watched the program missing the entire Christmas Even candle light service.  The phone started ringing off the hook.  We both knew it was Mom and Dad and we were in hell-a trouble.  But it didn't deter us from finishing the one hour comedy.  Nope!  We watched the whole program and then, when that was over, something else came on as we were supposed to be making our way to Grandma's!  We eventually made it to her house and the parents...well, they were upset.  To understand the weight of their frustration, refer back to the photo above. See Mom's face?  Ya.  That's pretty much what we got all night.  However, all night long Dawn and I kept reenacting the comedy from In Living Color with one another while dodging Mom's disapproving looks.   SNAP!

I also have a ton of favorite memories that include my friends - of course!  One in particular wasn't very fun at the time, but days and years later it makes me just die from laughing.  One Christmas Eve Tuller, Nathan, and myself decided to have a  tiny Martini party - just the three of us at her home (where I happen to live now.)  We bought too much vodka for three people, made dinner, and poured drinks down our throat as if we were competing in a Holiday drinking contest with Charlie Sheen.  Oh what fun it was....until it wasn't.  I'm not sure how many drinks we finished off, but a couple of hours into it, faces were turning green and the fun had just ceased.  One by one we made our way to soft places, i,e, beds, sofas, a pile of blankets on the floor, and passed out wearing all of our clothes.  The next morning was just awful.  I woke to the smell of meat.  What?  Why do I smell MEAT?  Nathan was nowhere to be found and as I made my way into the kitchen, I could hear what sounded to be that tell tale grunt of someone swallowing down the urge to vomit.   I walked into the kitchen to find Tuller's hands were covered in raw meat as she was pulling it off bones to prepare it for a roast.  Her face looked utterly victimized and she continued to fight through the dry heaving.  See, she had volunteered to make a roast for her family's Christmas dinner and in the heat of a vodka induced mayhem, she kinda forgot that a hangover and a pile of meat don't mix well the next day. I wish I had a photo of her because the way I remember it, she's standing in the kitchen, mascara smeared down her face, hair all over the place, and her hands in a big pile of raw meat,trying not to blow chunk  Ewww.   Mer....Merry....blugh.  Merry Christmuuuuuuus.

Another fond memory was made quite recently- only last year.  I took my dear friend Claudio home to Texas.  It wasn't on Christmas, but it was in the height of the Christmas season.  He decided one night he had HAD to see  Houston.  Well, at the time we both worked for Tulsa Ballet and couldn't take time off to go down for any reasonable amount of time.  So, instead we left immediately after work one night and drove 8 hours straight until we reached the pearly gates of Summerwood - the neighborhood just off Beltway 8 where my parents reside.  We got in around 3 a.m. and quickly took rest in, what we called" Lilac Haven", a guest bedroom in my parent's house so named due to the purple sheets, curtains, and bedspread. My parents were asleep when we arrived and left the code so we could get in and get to bed as we were exhausted from the drive.  The next morning I walked into the living room to find my mom smiling and welcoming me.  She showed me the pantry where my dad had stocked up on Nutella so the Italian would feel at home.  It was really too cute of Dad.  Since we only had a day and a half to spend in Houston, the weekend was pretty full and quick.  Kind of like watching an entire movie in fast forward mode.  Nevertheless we had a lot of fun, did loads of sight seeing, and ended up having a real bayou dinner under the bridge in Kemah.  Most of the time was spent in car with Dawn acting as our guide.  She drove us around showing Claudio landmarks and historical sights peppered with facts and statistics. On the second and final night we stayed with my sister and Diane at their apartment.  The four of us spent a few hours laughing and just being stupid but the kind that makes your abs hurt the next morning from too much joy.  Finally, it was Sunday afternoon and time for us to get back on the road.  Some may dread a long car ride, but with Claudio it's pretty much always a good time.  About an hour outside of Houston, I was on the passenger side as he drove my car, when I looked up and saw a sign for an exit to Italy, Texas.  What the...?  How the hell have I grown up in Texas, taken this highway back and forth from Houston to Tulsa this many years and never, ever have I noticed there was a place called Italy, Texas?! It all became a little too surreal as I looked over at my friend.  See, I've been half way around the world to his family's home, now we're just leaving my family's home in Houston and it is quite literally...a sign.  A sign that this friendship was absolutely meant to be.  Before we made it back to Tulsa we stopped at the famous Buc-ee's so he could try their famous roadside BBQ and baked beans....and try on a cowboy hat.  We laughed and drove back to Tulsa and somehow continued to laugh at my apartment that night.  And now this little trip is one of my favorite Christmas memories.

Wait!  What?

Finally, one of my favorite-est holidays memories in New Years Eve, circa 1993.  Two girls - Elaine and Carrie - planning a killer NYE party at my house.  We made a cheese cake, ordered enough pizzas to feed a small army (paid for in coins no less), and a play list MIX TAPE for the night that was supposed to go down in infamy.  We even went to the mall and purchased special outfits.  Plaid.  All plaid - head to toe.  OK, neither of us were those high school party types.  We didn't drink, do drugs, or anything. The worst thing we did when we were teenagers was sass mouth just about everyone we knew.  Parents, Sunday school teachers, strangers, whoever.  We had attitude for days and didn't mind sharing it with the world.  Anyway this year was going to be epic.  The guest list was tight!  I mean, we had called, like, everyone you know?!  And what else was a pack of teenagers going to be doing on NYE 1993?  Ya!  That's right!  They're' coming over here, baby!  An hour later, music blaring, cheesecake sitting in the fridge, pizzas laid out across the table and....it's only me and Elaine still.  Not a single soul came to our most awesomely, awesome party.  Even my parents left! Wow....wow.  Regardless of the fact that our totally kick ass party had only two guests, who happened to be the hosts, Elaine and I danced, laughed, screamed HAPPY NEW YEAR, and had the time of our lives that night.  It didn't really even seem to phase us that nobody bothered to show up or even call to tell us why they weren't coming.  We simply didn't need them anyway. And this was just one moment and in many similar situations that found the two of us in a corner, not paying and mind to anyone else but each other.  We talked on the phone not long ago and this "party" was mentioned and met with roaring laughter on the other end of the line.  It is still one of the best NYE moments of my life and one that I will never forget.  Because I was safe, at home with one of my most favorite people and literally nothing else mattered.  I only wish I had a photo of this particular epic fail.

Well, there you have it.  Some of my favorite holiday memories.  I'll be flying to Houston on the 24th and this year I am cooking my family's Christmas dinner.  I'm looking forward to making more memories.  And while Claudio is in Rome, Tuller will be here in Tulsa, Elaine is pregnant (so we can't laugh too hard otherwise she'll go in to labor), and other friends and family a sprinkled about around the globe, I will be with my family and I'm sure there will be plenty to laugh about!!!!

And here are some links to my favorite SNL Christmas moments.  Ahhhh!

Absolutely, 100%, One of he Funniest!

Dawn and I sing it every year!

I Love Jimmy Fallon

Peace,

Carrie

Inquiring Minds...

I don't know if it is the holiday season or people's general curiosity of one another lives, but lately it seems that I've been asked about my thoughts on romance more than usual.  I know around this time of the year we start thinking about love a lot more than we may during, say...Independence Day.  It seems that inquiring minds want to know what I'm looking for in a relationship.  Typically I just answer back "I'm in several relationships.  I have amazing friends".  And I know that's private, mysterious Scorpio in me, and most of the time they are asking in a harmless manner.  But sometimes I just can't be bothered to open that box and discuss what I think a relationship should be.  It seems to fall on deaf ears, so why bother?  And I'm left to wonder why someone cares so much about whether or not I want to fall in love again?  Is it because they are concerned for me growing old and alone?  Ir is it just natural curiosity?  And with the innocent comes the intrusive.  It would seem that I've placed a big, red, flashing light on my forehead saying "Available".  Men from my past have been coming out of nowhere with that "So, you're single again...?"  Well, I wasn't interested then and I'm certainly not now.  But....thanks?  And really, please stop trying because you're getting nowhere.  I promise.

My sister and I talk on the phone almost every night.  And considering how drastically our lives have changed over the last three years, many of our conversations turn to the future and what lies ahead of us as we charge into the unknown with bright eyes and hopeful hearts.  And of course we talk about relationships - the fears and dreams surrounding the beast called "romance", and everything else you can possibly imagine. So, I've started thinking about what I truly want in a relationship if ( and it's a BIG if) I ever want to be in one again.

If I had to make a list of what I'm looking for, I guess it would go like this:

Please be honest with me.  Do not lie to my face because I can detect dishonesty like a drug sniffing dog.  And even when I don't let on that I know you're lying, I know you're lying.  And don't blame my trust issues or use them against me.  That's cruel.  I have trust issues because trust is like gold to me and I've been robbed one too many times.  If I give you my trust, please respect it and do not lie to me.

Make me laugh!  Enjoy the little things with me.  Laugh at me when I'm being stupid and find the humor in most situations.  Don't take yourself so seriously that you hold on to useless hurt feelings that really have nothing to do with me but become my problem.  Find joy and share it with me!  Laughing is my favorite part of anything and we could be happy....if you choose to laugh with me.

Don't be intimidated by my friends.  They are amazing people and the reason why I'm still able to trust and love even after a great heartbreak.  Yes I spend a lot of time with them, but c'mon! They are treasures   And if you really have a problem with my friends, I won't stick around long.  Because many times when my internal compass was broken, they were the ones to guide me back to reality.  They are my rock and my sanctuary and if I could create the perfect partner for myself to spend the rest of my years with, he'd be made from all of them.  I'm so lucky and you could be too if you'd only accept them.  And I know, I know I seem to love them A LOT. And I do.  But it doesn't mean I will love you any less.  I was built to love and it is one of the things I do best.  I have plenty of room for you and them.

Finally, please, above all else, please respect me.  I am not your mother.  I am the person you kiss, your lover.  I cannot and will not play the role of mother and lover - the combination is a sickness.  If you're looking for someone to tell you how to be a man, how to be kind, how to not say and do harmful and cruel things to the one you claim to love, look elsewhere. I do not have the time nor desire to be your mother.  Nor do I have the time or desire to be manipulated, controlled, demeaned, and further damaged by guilt and shame.  I've been a "mother", and now I'm looking for an equal.

Simply put -Be my friend. Be my best friend. Treat me as you would someone you admire and please be someone I can admire.

I guess that's it.  I don't think I require much.  But, when I look back I find that mosto f what I have always wanted are the things I still want in a partner.  And at this point of my life I have very high standards.  Some may even say they are too high.  Look, I'm not asking for a ridiculously handsome man with loads of money and no life experiences with Brad Pitt's face.  No.  I'm simply not willing to settle for anything less than what I will give to someone.  I am, even after everything I've said about relationships, still willing to accept love.  But, if I can't have what I feel I'm willing to offer, well, then I will live happily ever after with myself.  And perhaps some friends and cats.  And I don't fear that for a future.  It's not something that keeps me awake at night.  Because at the end of the day I do have great love in my life.  It's just not what some may expect.

I'm hesitant to post this because I don't want to be misunderstood.  I'm not looking for a relationship.  I'm simply listing the things I desire in a relationship.   I'm perfectly happy being single.  I don't live without love.  In fact I feel more love than I've felt in years.  Mainly, and most importantly, from and for myself.

I read a quote once and it felt so right to me that I copied it down on a piece of paper and pinned it to the wall in my office.  It says "The love you give is unforgettable and transforming, the kind meant only for the brave.  You are so worth it".  I believe it.

Carrie